In my early twenties I was diagnosed with PCOS, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Was it exactly a diagnosis at the time? Now I can say with certainty, No! The doctor took one look at me and said I most definitely had PCOS when I mentioned how irregular my periods had become. I was told not to worry about anything because birth control was going to solve my problems and if I was not planning on starting a family anytime soon this was my solution. Although deep down I always had hopes of “accidentally falling pregnant.” However, it was not until years passed and I still was not pregnant that I started to think maybe there was another problem.
Fast-forward to when I told my newest OBGYN that I was ready to start a family, and my world shattered. She ran all the standard tests, and then I heard the words “You will need a biopsy because there is something in your uterus I do not like.” The day she gave me the results from the biopsy, which by the way, she found some “abnormal cells” and recommended me to an Oncologist, she also looked at my husband and said, “well you did not marry her for her uterus, did you? If she is not able to give you any children, you are not going to just leave her?” It is safe for you to assume I never even looked back at that clinic. However, those words have stayed with me until this day, and it makes me wonder why my uterus is defective. I do not have an answer for it yet, but I sure will not let my defective uterus get in the way of achieving my dream of one day becoming a mother to a tiny human. That same year I started a hormonal therapy with my Oncologist, and it worked, it helped me keep those pre-cancer cells asleep. She recommended her colleague Reproductive Endocrinologist and gave me the green light to start fertility treatments. However, she did give me a timeline because at the end of the day, she wants me to have a hysterectomy to make sure the cells do not return.
I started my fertility treatments on a New Year’s Eve. We started with timed intercourse cycles, and after two months I decided to start IUI, Intrauterine Insemination. We did four rounds of medicated IUIs and none of them were successful. During those cycles, my heart and mind could not take it any longer, I felt sad and angry to the point I decided to look for help. I got online and typed the words “fertility support,” and I came across the Resolve page. I spent a couple of hours looking through the information and I learned about “support groups” in my area. I immediately contacted the person who led the support group because I was in desperate need of talking about my struggles. I felt relieved to know I was not alone in this journey and that every single one of my feelings and emotions were valid. I was so glad to have found people who understood what I was going through because shortly after we decided to start our IVF, In Vitro Fertilization.
We had our retrieval and one fresh transfer, after the first failed transfer we had three FET, Frozen Embryo Transfers. Out of those transfers only one resulted in a positive pregnancy. However, my happiness was short lived because I ended up having a Biochemical Pregnancy. After all these failed transfers, I decided it was time to stop the breaks on this roller coaster because I was burned out. I realized I needed a physical break from all the medications, hormones, and shots, but most importantly, I needed a break for my own mental health.
This IVF life was consuming my every thought and emotion. Therefore, to this day I am on a break from it all. There are days when I miss giving myself shots, as crazy as it sounds, one gets used to the pain from it all and if you are not doing such things, you feel like you are forgetting something throughout the day. However, we are also on a financial break from it all because unfortunately, our insurance does not cover infertility treatments. I do not know how or when, but I know in my heart that one day I will be a mama to a tiny human, until then, I am a fur momma to my two adorable dogs.
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